Stop Waiting Around: Why You Should Always Message First on Dating Apps
Stop waiting around for other people to message you first.
I see this mistake constantly in my DMs. Guys telling me they got matches but "she hasn't messaged me yet" or "I'm waiting to see if she's interested." Bro, let me be crystal clear - this passive approach is killing your chances before you even get started.
After coaching hundreds of guys and testing every strategy in the book, I can tell you with 100% certainty: the guys who message first get exponentially better results. And I'm about to break down exactly why, plus give you the blueprint to do it right.
The Harsh Reality About Online Dating
Let's start with some real talk about how online dating actually works, not how you think it should work.
Women get bombarded with messages. Even average-looking women on dating apps receive dozens of likes and messages per day. Attractive women? We're talking hundreds. Your match notification is getting buried in an avalanche of other guys trying to get her attention.
Matches expire. Most apps have time limits or algorithms that bury old matches. On Bumble, women have 24 hours to message or the match disappears. On other apps, matches just get pushed down the stack as new ones come in. Wait too long, and you become invisible.
Interest fades fast. The excitement of a new match has a half-life of about 6 hours. After that, she's moved on to newer, shinier matches. The longer you wait, the less likely she is to remember why she swiped right on you in the first place.
She's not going to chase you. Unless you're Chris Hemsworth or driving a Lamborghini in your photos, women aren't desperately waiting to hear from you. They have options, and they're talking to multiple guys simultaneously.
Why Messaging First Is a Power Move
1. You Control the Timing
When you message first, you strike while the iron is hot. She just swiped right on you, which means you're currently attractive to her. That's your window - take it.
I tested this with one of my coaching clients. He had 47 matches he was "waiting to hear from." I made him message all of them within 24 hours. His response rate was 68%. We then compared this to his previous strategy of waiting, which had a response rate of about 12%. The difference is staggering.
2. You Stand Out from the Crowd
Most guys are passive and lazy. They swipe, match, and then... nothing. They're waiting for the woman to do the work. When you message first with something engaging, you immediately separate yourself from 80% of your competition.
Think about it from her perspective: she opens her app and sees a sea of matches with no messages, and then there's you - the guy who actually took initiative and said something interesting. Who do you think she's more likely to respond to?
3. You Demonstrate Confidence
Messaging first shows you're confident enough to go after what you want. It signals that you're not sitting around waiting for life to happen to you. Women find this attractive because it suggests you'll bring that same energy to other areas of your life, including dating and relationships.
Confidence is attractive. Passivity is not.
4. You Get Better at Conversations
Here's something most guys don't consider: the more first messages you send, the better you get at starting conversations. You learn what works, what doesn't, and how to quickly engage someone's interest.
Guys who wait around never develop this skill. They might get lucky occasionally when someone messages them first, but they never become good at initiating conversations. This hurts them not just online, but in real-life dating situations too.
The Psychology Behind First Messages
Let me break down what's happening psychologically when you message first versus when you wait:
When you message first:
- You're taking an active role in your dating life
- You're creating opportunities rather than waiting for them
- You're demonstrating leadership qualities
- You're showing genuine interest, which is flattering
When you wait:
- You're being passive and reactive
- You're hoping someone else will do the work
- You're missing opportunities while they're hot
- You're blending in with every other guy who's also waiting
The difference in mindset is huge, and it shows up in your results.
Common Excuses (And Why They're BS)
Let me address the most common excuses I hear for not messaging first:
"I Don't Want to Seem Desperate"
Messaging someone you matched with isn't desperate - it's normal. You both indicated interest by swiping right. Following up on that mutual interest is the logical next step.
What's actually desperate is waiting around hoping she'll message you first, then getting frustrated when she doesn't.
"If She's Interested, She'll Message Me"
This is terrible logic. Just because someone doesn't message first doesn't mean they're not interested. They might be busy, overwhelmed with messages, shy, or following the same flawed strategy you are - waiting for the other person to make the first move.
Don't make assumptions about someone's interest level based on who messages first. Make assumptions based on how they respond when you message them.
"I Want to See How Much She Wants Me"
This is some pickup artist nonsense that needs to die. Dating isn't a power game where the person who cares less wins. That's toxic thinking that will sabotage your relationships.
Real attraction and connection come from mutual interest and effort, not from playing games and testing each other.
"She Should Message First to Show She's Really Interested"
Says who? There's no rule book that says women have to message first to prove their interest. You're creating arbitrary barriers that serve no purpose except to make your dating life harder.
The Right Way to Message First
Now that I've convinced you to message first (hopefully), let's talk about how to do it effectively:
1. Message Within 24 Hours
Strike while the iron is hot. The longer you wait, the less likely you are to get a response. I recommend messaging within a few hours if possible, but definitely within 24 hours.
2. Reference Something from Her Profile
Don't send generic "hey" messages. Show that you actually read her profile by referencing something specific. This could be a shared interest, a photo, or something she wrote in her bio.
Examples:
- "I see you're into hiking - what's the best trail you've done recently?"
- "Your travel photos are amazing! What was your favorite stop on that Europe trip?"
- "A fellow coffee addict! What's your go-to order?"
3. Ask an Engaging Question
Give her something easy to respond to. Open-ended questions work better than statements because they invite conversation.
Good: "What's the story behind that awesome mural in your third pic?" Bad: "Cool mural in your pic."
4. Keep It Light and Positive
Your first message should be fun and easy to respond to. Save the deep philosophical discussions for later. You want to create a positive first impression and get the conversation flowing.
5. Be Yourself
Don't try to be someone you're not in your first message. If you're naturally funny, be funny. If you're more straightforward, be straightforward. Authenticity is attractive.
What to Do After You Message First
Don't Double Message: If she doesn't respond within a day or two, don't send another message. Either she's not interested, she's busy, or she missed your message. Sending another one makes you look desperate.
Don't Take Non-Responses Personally: Online dating is a numbers game. Even with perfect messaging, you won't get responses from everyone. Focus on the conversations that do develop.
Keep the Conversation Moving: If she responds, keep the momentum going. Ask follow-up questions, share something about yourself, and work toward asking her out.
Have a Goal: Don't just chat indefinitely. The goal is to meet in person. Once you've had a good back-and-forth, suggest meeting for coffee or drinks.
The Compound Effect of Messaging First
Here's what happens when you consistently message first:
Week 1: You start getting more responses because you're actually having conversations instead of staring at silent matches.
Week 2: You get better at crafting engaging first messages because you're practicing regularly.
Week 3: Your confidence grows because you're taking control of your dating life instead of waiting around.
Month 1: You're going on more dates because you're creating more opportunities.
Month 2: You're becoming genuinely good at starting conversations, which helps you in all social situations.
Month 3: Dating becomes easier and more fun because you've developed real skills instead of relying on luck.
This compound effect is real, and I've seen it play out with countless guys I've coached.
Special Situations
Bumble (Where Women Message First)
Even on Bumble where women are supposed to message first, many just send "Hey" or the bee emoji. Don't let that discourage you from taking control of the conversation. Respond with something engaging that moves the conversation forward.
Her: "Hey! 👋" You: "Hey! I saw you're into rock climbing - I just started and I'm terrible at it. Any tips for a beginner?"
When She Messages First
If she beats you to it and messages first, great! Respond quickly and enthusiastically. She took initiative, which means she's definitely interested. Don't play it cool or wait to respond - strike while the iron is hot.
After a Date
The messaging-first principle applies after dates too. Don't wait for her to text you first after a good date. If you had fun and want to see her again, say so. Text her within 24 hours letting her know you had a great time and suggest a second date.
The Mindset Shift You Need
The biggest change you need to make isn't tactical - it's mental. Stop thinking of messaging first as desperate or needy. Start thinking of it as confident and proactive.
You're not chasing anyone. You're simply following up on mutual interest in a timely and engaging way. You're creating opportunities instead of waiting for them to fall in your lap.
This mindset shift will change everything about your dating life. You'll go from being reactive and frustrated to proactive and successful.
Your Action Plan
Here's exactly what you need to do starting today:
- Audit your current matches - Message everyone you haven't talked to yet (if it's been less than a week)
- Set a 24-hour rule - Message every new match within 24 hours
- Craft 5 good opening templates - Have these ready so you're not starting from scratch each time
- Track your results - Note your response rates and what types of messages work best
- Practice daily - Make messaging first a habit, not something you do occasionally
The Bottom Line
Waiting for someone else to message first is a losing strategy in modern dating. It's passive, ineffective, and limits your opportunities.
Successful guys in online dating are proactive. They message first, they move conversations forward, and they ask for dates. They don't wait around hoping something will happen - they make it happen.
Your dating life will transform when you stop waiting and start taking action. The guys getting the most dates aren't necessarily the best looking or the wealthiest - they're the ones who consistently put themselves out there and create opportunities.
So stop reading dating advice and start applying it. Message those matches. Take control of your dating life. Your future self will thank you for being proactive instead of passive.
Remember: fortune favors the bold, especially in dating.